March 2006

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PM shuts down satirical website

18 March 2006 in Internet, Media, Politics by Stilgherrian | 4 comments

In another triumph of tolerance and freedom of expression, the Prime Minister’s office ordered the shutdown of a spoof John Howard website which featured an “apology” speech for the Iraq war.

Australian futurist and social commentator Richard Neville created johnhowardpm.org on Monday and received 10,500 visits within 24 hours. It was closed down by domain registrar Melbourne IT on Tuesday, but Neville was only told yesterday that this was “on the advice from the Australian Government”.

Mr Neville says the parody was an act of satire, and now has a PDF copy of the speech on his website.

Fed Police chief proposes “Reprogramming”

18 March 2006 in Politics by Stilgherrian | 2 comments

You probably missed it, but last week Australian Federal Police commissioner Mick Keelty actually proposed forcibly “reprogramming” people’s political beliefs.

Speaking on ABC TV’s Lateline on 8 March, Keelty says we should look at techniques which have been used “successfully” in such bastions of human rights as Indonesia, Singapore and Pakistan — even referring to it as “best practice”.

Keelty equates reprogramming people to convincing an informer to give evidence, and says this is the next step… to re-program somebody who has a belief or holds a belief. It has already been discussed with the government in the context of anti-terrorism control orders.

Commissioner Keelty, just in case you’ve forgotten Articles 18 and 19 of the UN Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, here’s a refresher…

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4 Corners’ Tabloid Line of Meth

17 March 2006 in Human Nature, Media, Politics by Stilgherrian | 2 comments

Flagship current affairs program Four Corners covers “The Ice Age” next week:

A shocking close-up study of the new drug of choice — “ice” — and its trail of human wreckage.

Crystal methamphetamine is indeed more common that a decade ago. I’m glad someone with the respect and authority of Four Corners is taking a look. But I hope this lurid tabloid screeching is only the marketing department.

There’s more…

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The Future of Privacy

16 March 2006 in Internet, Politics by Stilgherrian | No comments

Information security expert Bruce Schneier looks at the Future of Privacy in this article from his Crypto-Gram Newsletter.

Two snippets:

The pervasiveness of computers has resulted in the almost constant surveillance of everyone, with profound implications for our society and our freedoms. Corporations and the police are both using this new trove of surveillance data. We as a society need to understand the technological trends and discuss their implications. If we ignore the problem and leave it to the “market,” we’ll all find that we have almost no privacy left…

Most of us are happy to give out personal information in exchange for specific services. What we object to is the surreptitious collection of personal information, and the secondary use of information once it’s collected: the buying and selling of our information behind our back.

Bruce writes coherently — and presumably knows more than we know he knows. His books are well worth a read too.

Good Feeling, but Not Happy

16 March 2006 in Enmore by Stilgherrian | 1 comment

The photograph below was taken at the inaugural public meeting of The Society for Good Feeling. Why do they all look so unhappy?

Bonus points if you can explain to me what the organisation is actually about.

Comm Games Commentary Revelations

16 March 2006 in Marketing, Media, Politics by Stilgherrian | 1 comment

Enough will be written about the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony itself — about how the flying W Class tram symbolised Melbourne, and how the drag queen and the underage boy with a duck symbolised something else about Melbourne entirely — possibly something connected with the Chippendale with a koala’s head.

No, what interests me is the TV commentary on Channel 9 and what that reveals about the people involved… About their love of money in particular.

Bucket Time (Briefly)

Thankfully the most Purple of Prose was limited to the introductory voice-over, before the ceremony proper started. Carpe diem was the theme:

“The moment must be seized now or it will be lost forever,” we were told. The Commonwealth Games are “a sporting birthright, a reminder of who we are… We love winning, and even more than that we love winning at home. Starting tonight in Melbourne, this is the chance of a lifetime.”

The Australian women’s swimming team is “a generation to be savoured and revered”. And then we were introduced to “the faces we’ve seen but don’t really know”, before seeing token pictures of entrants in other sports.

After that, the script descended into Commentary By Numbers — a recitation of data that’s meant to inspire us: 71 countries, 4000 athletes, 13 days, 52,546 hamburgers, 8,302 shoelaces.

Memo to Channel 9: Numbers do not inspire people, emotions do.

Thankfully we heard the phrase “quintessential Australian icon” only once.

Ray Martin’s Dollar Fetish

Channel 9 wheeled out veterans Ray Martin and Liz Hayes as their commentary team.

Now male-female pairs are common enough. They represent Everyman and Everywoman, and perform different roles. One will take care of the left-brain stuff like facts, figures, announcements of what’s coming up next, the other will be right-brain and talk about colour and emotion.

But last night Ray and Liz took it to extremes — and in doing so, revealed Ray Martin’s true motivator: money.

The first thing Ray had to say about the Games was that “they’ve spent half a billion dollars” tarting up Melbourne. Then immediately after Liz startled us with her emotional revelation (“All my bumps are goosed up!”) Ray was straight back to the filthy lucre, telling us that up next “we’ll be able to see where they spent the money.”

But Ray did reveal his caring and connected side. While describing the chain of symbolic fish running up the Yarra River, he told us that Australia was represented by an eel, “and that’s pretty much what the indigenous people used to eat of out the river at this time of the year”.

Another blow struck for Aboriginal Reconciliation.

Walking on Water

The power of Her Majesty’s Disco Stick inspired Australian Football League (AFL) legend Ron Barrassi to walk on water — looking for all the world like Charlton Heston.

But if Ron then Ascended the Blue Neon Disco Stairs like an American TV evangelist, only to be met by retired long-distance runner Herb Elliott — does that mean Herb Elliott is St Peter?

We couldn’t see for sure, because Ray’s hair had started to interfere with our digital TV reception.

HM’s Disco Stick revealed to be USB key

15 March 2006 in Marketing, Politics by Stilgherrian | No comments

Tonight the mystery of “Her Majesty’s Disco Stick”:/marketing/her_majestys_disco_stick was revealed. Plugged into its base station, it transferred several hundred bytes of Royal Message to a nearby pastel blue LCD screen.

Her Majesty’s Disco Stick

14 March 2006 in Humour, Marketing, Politics by Stilgherrian | 4 comments

Photograph of Commonwealth Games Baton

According to an unknown retired Major-General, the Queen’s Baton (pictured right) has become the beacon, a shining symbol of unity, of hope and the shared aspirations of a world sorely in need of such healing and inspiration.”

Get me a bucket.

The Queen’s Baton for the Melbourne 2006 Commonwealth Games is a subtle and dangerous trap. It is sucking out our brains and it has already formed a parasitic relationship with the Prime Minister.

I urge the People of the Commonwealth to re-name this crass object “Her Majesty’s Disco Stick”.

HM’s Disco Stick is inspiring such pretentious drivel that we’re in danger of forgetting how to think.

“We should applaud Her Majesty’s foresight and wisdom in sending this remarkable baton on its wonderful journey throughout the commonwealth nations she loves so much,” gushes the Major-General. Oh, apparently he’s the Governor-General, I’ve just been told.

Behold the Disco Stick!

Behold the triumph of feature-list over taste!

Disco Stick is jam-packed with cutting edge technologies never before utilised in a Games baton, including front and rear view Baton Cam.
Disco Stick has Global Positioning System (GPS), so we can track its every move — at least when the website’s not overloaded and the satellite link’s working.
Disco Stick’s front slots glow with a green light, like a hotted-up computer case from Chinatown.
Disco Stick’s green lights flash in a chaser pattern! The green light moves up and down its length like an athlete’s self-love!

Behold the subtlety of Melbourne’s self-promotion!

The gold tip reflects Melbourne’s elegance and grandeur and the important role the metal has played in the city’s history and prosperity. Melbourne thrived during Victoria’s 1850s gold rush, which drew many people from diverse nations to the great city to seek their success; not unlike the athletes that will flock to Melbourne for the Games in 2006.

Magnesium, often referred to as the “metal of the future”, is used in the front panel of the baton. Australia is one of the world’s largest producers of magnesium and the metal has special significance to Australia’s prosperity and economic future. The green colour used on the back of the baton reflects Melbourne’s park surrounds and Victoria’s place as “The Garden State.”

And behold the People’s Praise!

Geoff Strong scored a free trip on The Ghan and used his journey well:

The Queen’s Commonwealth Games baton rests in its case like a sculptural tribute to the underground nematode worm Caenorhabditis elegans. When its batteries are activated the thing radiates a rippling phosphorescent green, its Melbourne-based designers perhaps inspired by a Doctor Who episode or a Star Wars movie.

But what I love is that amid all this mucilaginous praise, this Baton is still an Australian baton: the night before its Big Day, the Baton is going to a party.

Assigning Blame

Charlwood Design's wireless EFTPOS terminal

Her Majesty’s Disco Stick was designed by Charlwood Design in Melbourne. They’re also responsible for empire-inspiring wireless EFTPOS terminals (pictured right), hotel door locks, ventolin inhalers and a thing for bashing down asphalt on the roads.

I don’t blame Charlwood’s designers, though. They had a hard act to follow.

In 2002, Manchester gave us the magnificent Jubilee Baton — fashioned from sterling silver and engraved with traditional symbols of the creative artists’ families and cultures, including a wolf, a raven and “an eagle with a frog in its mouth”.

A Final Plea

Once again, I urge the People of the Commonwealth to re-name this crass object “Her Majesty’s Disco Stick”.

Tell your friends. Tell them to tell their friends.

Qantas Gripes

12 March 2006 in Humour by Stilgherrian | 2 comments

Alaskan Doug Tweedie has found moderately hilarious material which purports to be from Qantas “gripe sheets” — problem reports filed by pilots at the end of each flight, which are then reviewed by the maintenance engineers.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Engineer: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

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Beer is Healthy

12 March 2006 in Human Nature by Stilgherrian | No comments

On a Sunday morning, I’m especially pleased to discover that beer is good for you.

According to New Scientist magazine (so it must be true), beer may be as good for your health as red wine and green tea. Apparently it dampens down arterial inflammation that leads to heart disease.

But even better!

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