Language

I’m chuffed! Inspired by the work of the Bonological Semiotics team, I coined my own Bonophone.

Bonorrhoea: A chronic disease which causes meaningless words to dribble from the mouth and, more usually, other orifices. Also known as “talking out one’s arse.”

As a result, Arch Bonologer Sabian Wilde has promoted me to the rank of Clayton Private. To celebrate, this week’s poll can only be… “Bono is…?” Go to the website to vote.

Bonus link: Netscape founder Marc Andreessen has a whole blog category about Bono.

Last week’s results: Clearly I’m the only one who’s getting moist over the return of Supernaut. Screw the lot of you.

Back in 1980, Yes Minister explained the use of irregular verbs in politics:

Bernard Woolley: That’s one of those irregular verbs, isn’t it? I give confidential security briefings. You leak. He has been charged under section 2a of the Official Secrets Act.

This week I was pleased to see PR strategist Ian Kortlang classify leaks to the media in four ways: Accidental, strategic, malicious and pyromania.

Christian Kerr explains:

Accidental included documents left on photocopiers and the like. Strategic meant a leak designed to achieve a positive advantage. Malicious was meant to undermine and disadvantage. And pyromania was “Stuff the consequences, this feels good.”

Korlang reckons this week’s leak of the Crosby/Textor research saying John Howard is perceived as “old” and “sneaky” was pure pyromania.

One aspect of all this I found quite bizarre was John Howard on radio on Monday:

Confronted with scathing polling describing him as old, sneaky, dishonest and out of touch, Howard said: “There’s nothing particularly new in that… I’m not particularly amazed.”

This election (pre-)campaign is getting weirder and weirder. What could be the weirdest thing yet to come?

Found on Facebook: a group dedicated to the study of Bonological Semiotics:

A cooperative (but edited) attempt to make sense of the modern world with a new lexicon of misunderstanding… a time where language has been degraded to the point of BONOPHONICS (words that sound as if they carry meaning, but really just take up valuable space).

Some examples:

Bonologue: One know-it-all telling everyone else in the world what to do. Submitted by Sabian Wilde.

Bonoculture: A phrase coined by political conservationists in the early 21st Century to describe their fear of living in a homogenized, politically correct world. Submitted by Sabian Wilde.

Bonophilia: For the love of Bono, usually the practice of self-loving. Submitted by Sabian Wilde.

Bonolith: A structure, usually the world’s largest television screen, placed at the most prominent and visible point of the bonstrosity, to display an image of Bono. Submitted by David Paris.

Bonoholic: A medical condition wherein the patient is addicted to being drunk on their own delusions of grandeur. Submitted by Rewi Lyall.

I think I have Bonophobia…

I’ve decided that each weekend I’ll dig out an object or two from my more distant past and write about it. To kick things off, here’s a challenge which was originally created by the same chap who coined my name.

The text you can see in the image below (at least if you happen to be sighted) is in an unknown script. Your task is obvious, I think. The only clues you have are that it’s a quote from a book by Ursula LeGuin and it’s nothing whatsoever to do with Tolkein.

Now originally I solved this in under 2 days, without the aid of computers or amphetamines. I reckon that in The Age of the Internet you can do better. I’ll negotiate a suitable prize for the first person who posts the solution.

Yesterday PM John Howard’s supposed “frankness” was “appreciated” (according to anonymous sources), because he told the federal cabinet “If you have a problem with how I’m doing my job, don’t be afraid to say so.” But how could anyone respond meaningfully? To do so, you’d have to proclaim your disloyalty in front of the entire cabinet — and who’d dare to be first?

I’m surprised that no-one has reported this for what it is: passive aggressive behaviour.

Note the wording. If you have a problem. I’m doing my job. If you can’t say what you want then you are being afraid.

Actually, it’s interesting reading through the criteria for passive-aggression as a personality disorder: ambiguity; forgetfulness (”I don’t recall”); blaming others (the terrorists, the Muslims, the boat people, the Aboriginals); fear of intimacy (when did you last see John and Hyacinth hold hands?), procrastination (how long has it taken to do anything about, oh, global warming?), resists suggestions from others… There’s an essay in its own right!

That wonderful chap Father Bob Maguire has written a piece on the return of the Latin Mass in Catholic churches. As usual, he’s saying things the Vatican probably won’t like. Excellent.

Church music became popularist [sic] in the 1960s [after Vatican II] because it had been exclusivist for centuries.

The “Masses” so often “oo’ed and ah’ed” over by concert-goers and listeners to the ABC FM stations were performance pieces for the ruling classes (including the senior clergy). The language was exclusivist, Latin, to remind lesser beings and nationalities that all roads lead to Rome.

Guess what? There’s a revisionist plot on, right now, to restore Latin on demand. A Brisbane priest was quoted last week as praising the move back because he felt much more comfortable and spiritually refreshed if he had his back to the congregation and was the only one knowing what was being said! (Read article here on Latin Mass)

The musical style of a Cathedral or posh church, supportable by heaps of money, comforts upwardly socially mobile church-goers.

Suburban and rural area churches make do with less. Which worship style creates/supports genuine parish centres, souls of their neighbourhoods, beacons of hope?

As I’ve said before, Father Bob is a Catholic priest who actually gives Christians a good name.

With no time or inspiration for my own creativity today, I thought I’d just point to someone else’s rantings. But I can’t pick! Which of these best fits the mood of the day?

• Quatrefoil’s Just because I don’t have a baby doesn’t mean I’m not tired, a heartfelt whinge from someone who’s chosen to produce something other than spawn. Go girl!
• Richard Watts’ call to arms in defence of Aussie English — which I’d certainly respond to at length if I had the energy.
• The Gaping Void cartoon immediately below.

As background, I should mention that Sydney had 50mm of rain last night, it’s cold, there’s now a slight leak in the office ceiling and I’m tired.

According to a survey done at SpeakStrong, these are the 10 most offensive phrases you can use in oral or written communication (in America, presumably).

• I’m done with you.
• I don’t care.
• I couldn’t care less.
• If you say so.
• I’m just a clerk.
• Bite me.
• Whatever.
• What’s your problem?
• It’s not my job.
• Shut up.

Thanks to Connected Content for the pointer and further suggestions.

Of all the current corporate buzzwords, “space” shits me the most. I’ve been meaning to write about it, but web pioneer Marc Andreessen got there first:

There is no such thing as a “space”.

There is such a thing as a market — that’s a group of people who will directly or indirectly pay money for something.

There is such a thing as a product — that’s an offering of a new kind of good or service that is brought to a market.

There is such a thing as a company — that’s an organized business entity that brings a product to a market.

Marc’s article goes on to explain why there’s no such thing as “Web 2.0″ either — in fact that’s its main thrust. It’s worth reading.

Hell, his entire blog is worth reading.

On the other hand, William Shakespeare is worth reading too.

So are P J O’Rourke, Daniel Petre, George Orwell, David Marr, John Birmingham, James Burke, George Lakoff, Brian Eno, Lao Tsu, Sherry Turkle, Steven Levy, Neal Stephenson, Umberto Eco, Richard Watts, Paul Graham, Bruce Schneier, Father Bob Maguire, Matt Ridley, Daniel Dennett, Zern Liew, Steven Levitt… but you’ve just got to draw the line somewhere!

It may seem obvious, but if you want your clients to behave in a certain way, why not just tell them? Open honest communication really is the way to go.

That’s why I was thrilled to see the following message in a newsletter from my chiropractor:

Missed appointments and late cancellations — our solution

Missed appointments and late cancellations are an inconvenience not only for us, but also for other clients who may have wanted your appointment time and miss out. So in future missed appointments and cancellations on the same day will be handled as follows:

1st missed appt: We understand, anyone can forget once.

2nd missed appt: We’re not very happy — a gift (wine or flowers etc) is required to appease us. Or we will donate your “Missed appointment fee” to charity.

3rd missed appt: Our regular fee will apply.

4th missed appt: Our regular fee will apply and we won’t make any more appointments for you.

What a superb piece of writing, too. It’s friendly and conversational, but it’s also laying down the law.