This isn’t original. Meg Tsiamis was there first. As she observed, people find one’s website through some astounding searches.

I’ve mentioned before that the most common search bringing people here is “steve irwin jokes” — something I find quite depressing. The Top 10 includes such gems as “gerbil sex”, “royal gay sex”, “glory hole” and “bestiality”. Classy eh?

But scroll down the list’s long tail, through 580 different keyphrases so far this month alone, and you’ll find actual questions. Here, then, are some of the answers. If you can expand upon them, please do!

how to sex a gerbil

Assuming [crosses fingers] you mean “How do I tell whether I need to dress my baby gerbil in blue or pink?”, I suggest you flip it over and look for genitals. If you arouse the gerbil first, this may be easier — though possibly illegal.

who is banksy

He’s the guy who created this street art. That post also has links to his official website and plenty of his work. Enjoy.

what meth looks like

Crystal methamphetamine usually comes in small, clear crystals, though it can be ground up into a white powder to hide the fact it’s been bulked out with something to increase profits. In other words, it looks exactly like 95% of the chemicals on the planet.

can macs get malware?

Yes, Macs can get malware. However at this time there’s far less malware for Macs than for Windows. This will doubtless change as Macs increase their market share.

how gerbils detect adrenaline in someone

By sniffing. Gerbils have a better sense of smell humans, and they can smell the adrenalin given off when we (or other animals) are stressed. Apparently it helps to train the gerbil and put it in a special apparatus.

who goes to hillsong

All sorts of people, including singer Pinky Beecroft and a teenage lesbian. Especially people who are “looking for something meaningful in their life” and will be easily parted from 10% of their money. I don’t know whether they take gerbils along, or even if they’re permitted.

why and how did john winston howard go into politics?

Why? Oh if only we knew, and had a time machine! How? The standard path through the high school debating team, university law school and the Young Liberals. Plus a lot of persistence. John Winston Howard is nothing if not hard-working and persistent.

However a more interesting question this week might be what he’ll do after he leaves politics — something which could happen quite soon. Any suggestions?

how to conduct a political poll

It depends whether you want to find out what people are actually thinking, or whether you want to gather “evidence” to support a specific argument.

If you’re after the truth, you’ll need to carefully word the questions so they don’t introduce bias, and carefully select your sample so that it’s representative — or engage in complicated statistical trickery to re-bias the sample afterwards. You’ll also need to interview around 1200 or more people so you can be 95% sure the answer is correct to plus or minus 2 percentage points. It’s best to hire a specialist to do all this, and it’s expensive.

If you want to support your theory, however, just ask a dozen people who you think will give you the answer you want. You’re bound to get enough right answers, and it’s a lot cheaper.

is abercrombie still relevant

No, probably not. Especially if you mean the American politician rather than the clothing brand. Then again, I’m hardly an expert.

how many people sing in the pussycat dolls band

That’s a trick question, right?

how many bad people does the citizenship test stop

None. It only stops people too stupid to learn the answers from the book they provide, or too poor to buy the answers on the black market.

is it ok to look at porn on the internet

Sure. Go for it. That’s why it was invented. Just be sure to clean up afterwards.

i want to see the sex kitten

That’s more of a statement than a question, but I can understand your desires. Here’s the neo-con sex kitten in all her glory.

The photo shows a recent Banksy work in Pollard Street, London. Thanks to unusualimage2004 for the pic. You can click through to the official Banksy website, or the Banksy photo pool on Flickr.