Stilgherrian » pinky-beecroft

Ah, questions!

Stilgherrian — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 12:14:30 +0000

I was going to write a serious piece comparing the George W Bush and Ronald Reagan presidencies, and discuss the links John Howard’s time as PM. But I’ve been distracted. Instead, I’ve been looking at the questions which led people to this website.

This isn’t original. Meg Tsiamis was there first. As she observed, people find one’s website through some astounding searches.

I’ve mentioned before that the most common search bringing people here is “steve irwin jokes” — something I find quite depressing. The Top 10 includes such gems as “gerbil sex”, “royal gay sex”, “glory hole” and “bestiality”. Classy eh?

But scroll down the list’s long tail, through 580 different keyphrases so far this month alone, and you’ll find actual questions. Here, then, are some of the answers. If you can expand upon them, please do!

how to sex a gerbil

Assuming [crosses fingers] you mean “How do I tell whether I need to dress my baby gerbil in blue or pink?”, I suggest you flip it over and look for genitals. If you arouse the gerbil first, this may be easier — though possibly illegal.

who is banksy

He’s the guy who created this street art. That post also has links to his official website and plenty of his work. Enjoy.

what meth looks like

Crystal methamphetamine usually comes in small, clear crystals, though it can be ground up into a white powder to hide the fact it’s been bulked out with something to increase profits. In other words, it looks exactly like 95% of the chemicals on the planet.

can macs get malware?

Yes, Macs can get malware. However at this time there’s far less malware for Macs than for Windows. This will doubtless change as Macs increase their market share.

how gerbils detect adrenaline in someone

By sniffing. Gerbils have a better sense of smell humans, and they can smell the adrenalin given off when we (or other animals) are stressed. Apparently it helps to train the gerbil and put it in a special apparatus.

who goes to hillsong

All sorts of people, including singer Pinky Beecroft and a teenage lesbian. Especially people who are “looking for something meaningful in their life” and will be easily parted from 10% of their money. I don’t know whether they take gerbils along, or even if they’re permitted.

why and how did john winston howard go into politics?

Why? Oh if only we knew, and had a time machine! How? The standard path through the high school debating team, university law school and the Young Liberals. Plus a lot of persistence. John Winston Howard is nothing if not hard-working and persistent.

However a more interesting question this week might be what he’ll do after he leaves politics — something which could happen quite soon. Any suggestions?

how to conduct a political poll

It depends whether you want to find out what people are actually thinking, or whether you want to gather “evidence” to support a specific argument.

If you’re after the truth, you’ll need to carefully word the questions so they don’t introduce bias, and carefully select your sample so that it’s representative — or engage in complicated statistical trickery to re-bias the sample afterwards. You’ll also need to interview around 1200 or more people so you can be 95% sure the answer is correct to plus or minus 2 percentage points. It’s best to hire a specialist to do all this, and it’s expensive.

If you want to support your theory, however, just ask a dozen people who you think will give you the answer you want. You’re bound to get enough right answers, and it’s a lot cheaper.

is abercrombie still relevant

No, probably not. Especially if you mean the American politician rather than the clothing brand. Then again, I’m hardly an expert.

how many people sing in the pussycat dolls band

That’s a trick question, right?

how many bad people does the citizenship test stop

None. It only stops people too stupid to learn the answers from the book they provide, or too poor to buy the answers on the black market.

is it ok to look at porn on the internet

Sure. Go for it. That’s why it was invented. Just be sure to clean up afterwards.

i want to see the sex kitten

That’s more of a statement than a question, but I can understand your desires. Here’s the neo-con sex kitten in all her glory.

5 Random Semi-Related Posts

Pinky goes to Hillsong

Stilgherrian — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 23:00:44 +0000

Whaddya think about the Hillsong Church, eh? No, actually, I’ll go first. It worries me.

Of the various controversies about Hillsong, two stand out for me:

Fundamentalism is A Very Bad Thing, whether it’s about Islam, Christianity, Marxism, Free Market Economics, wind power generation or whether the milk goes in first. The Church of Virus lists Dogmatism as one of the Three Senseless Sins, and while CoV is somewhat tongue in cheek it’s nevertheless spot on. Fundamentalism denies individual thought or adaptation to changing circumstances. Fundamentalism is nothing more than intellectual bullying: “I will tell you what to think.” This is dangerous. When people cease to think for themselves they become slaves. Hillsong is a Fundamentalist organisation: internal debate is not permitted.
Prosperity Theology is a hypocritical perversion of what that Joshua bar Joseph bloke was actually saying. OK, the gold-plated silk-clad parasites of the Vatican aren’t exactly a shining example of his teachings either. But to appropriate the Jesus brand and leave out all the difficult bits is a lot like that Che Guevara t-shirt as a symbol of enlightened rebellion.

Now I’m all for freedom of religion. Please, everybody, think for yourselves and decide your own beliefs! That’s a fundamental human right. I support you in your endeavours. But another fundamental right is freedom of speech. I get to say why I think you’re wrong (and vice versa), and out of that interchange some glorious new synthesis might arise.

Hillsong denies those fundamental human rights to its own members — by suppressing thought through Fundamentalism and suppressing free speech by denying dissent.

Pinky Beecroft, the sometimes-scrambled former lead singer of Machine Gun Fellatio, has been attending Hillsong and wrote about it for Manic Times. Long, but packed with ironic observations.

If it’s all about Jesus, why is The Big Screen usually full of imagery of the band or, especially, the pastors? Why is there a raised-arm gesture that we all recall from movies about WWII? Why are so many of the messages about people who’ve had their lives changed once they decided to write a cheque?

Pinky gets deeper into “the vibe” when he moves to Hillsong’s mothership at Baulkham Hills…

It’s incredibly like an Eskimo Joe gig except that the music’s hookier and there are more females at Hills, with the vast majority of them quite hot-looking.

Outside, there’s a sausage sizzle, hot coffee and lots of space to hang out and chat to other Hillsongers. In the last few weeks it’s mostly just been Hey, how’re you doin’? and stuff like that, the odd chat about mobile phone plans, harder to understand than God himself, and one weird conversation with a 21-year-old redhead girl who confessed to me “Hillsong makes me so excited, I always want to have sex with my girlfriend straight after.” We swapped phone numbers. True story.

… and eventually he’s gripped by a life-changing revelation.

I can see a future, for the first time in years. I think I’ve been really depressed, for a long time now, with my career in trouble and my finances mostly non-existent. Too old for record companies, too weird for radio, too thin to be the next John Farnham.

But here at Hillsong, none of that matters. I’m a champion. I’ve been worried that I would be too old to fit in, or not conservative enough, or that my voice is not sufficiently trained. But now I think maybe I’ll be OK. Maybe I don’t have to be young and beautiful. It occurs to me: this is not some fascist organisation, leeching the tax-payer, run by evil, youth-exploiting despots — that’s in Ultimo, and it’s called Triple J.

Pinky’s article triggered lots of thoughts. Some of them led to this essay. Others led to a question. I’ve discovered that one of my business clients is owned by a Hillsonger. By helping that business, I’m helping 10% of its profits go to a “church” which, if not exactly evil, is at least an organisation which I do not wish to support. What should I do?

Happy Sunday. God Bless. Merry Meet. All Hail Eris.