It’s less than three hours until tonight’s edition of Stilgherrian Live (9.30pm Thursdays Sydney time), so we’d better get some nominations together for “Cnut of the Week”.

It’s the same rules as usual. We’re after people (or abstract forces of nature, or organisations or whatever) who’ve been futilely trying to hold back the tide of change.

My first nomination will be Starbucks for leaving taps running all day — ignoring the change to more environmentally-friendly methods and, incidentally, practising a weird kind of Seattle-based neocolonialism by thinking their own “global policy” is more important than the local laws where they operate.

Who do you nominate, and why?

It’s also “The Blue Edition”, mostly in support of Blue Day 2008, but perhaps we’ll show some blue movies too. Watch and see.

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• So how will this podcast actually work? (2 comments)
• Links for 03 July 2008 through 04 July 2008 (0 comments)
• Episode 31 online! (1 comments)
• Stilgherrian Live is tonight, but not from Webjam (0 comments)
• Links for 27 April 2008 (0 comments)

The most common search terms apart from my own name are still “heath ledger jokes”, “steve irwin jokes”, “used knickers” and “corey delaney”. The only ones I could see “young pussy”, “asian pussy”, “strip pork gams porn”, “sex fuck cartoon milf jimmy neutron”, “latina asian hardcore free no charge gratis porn sex amateur” and, my favourite, “deep throat black hung transsexuals no membership free access”.

[Update: Actually, there is an increase in traffic. It's not showing up in the search analysis, but that page of search terms is getting 200 visitors a day.]

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• Lessons from tacky Heath Ledger jokes, final edition (4 comments)

For all that Cardinal Pell, bless his little silk knickers, thinks that sex only happens between (one) man and (one) woman who are married, have the lights turned off, and are not enjoying the experience but are breeding to better the Catholic Church, actual experience proves the complete opposite. Humans have and enjoy sex in pretty much every combination that can be imagined.

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If you’re still with us, you might compare this list with Spammer’s Ode #1.

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A spokesman for the minister, Senator Stephen Conroy, confirmed that saying, “I can confirm that the Australian Communications and Media Authority has provided the Minister with a report on its trial of internet filtering technologies. The Government will consider the report and comment in due course.”

So, will the report be released?

Yesterday I suggested, “It’s a govt report. If results are what’s needed politically, we’ll get a summary. If not, we’ll never hear anything again… This is called responsible government, and what Kevin Rudd thinks is a new era of transparency and evidence-based policy. Bah!”

That is all… for now.

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As we begin a new and somewhat rainy Monday here in Sydney, it’s worth reflecting on my world as revealed through Twitter.

1. If only cats ate cockroaches my two most significant household chores would cancel out.
2. The only thing a VCR is good for is to watch old porno movies.
3. “Luxurious possum fur” is an oxymoron.
4. Twitter is (like all networks) just an amplifier. Natural news-bringers bring news. Natural wankers wank.
5. Total Eclipse of the Heart has the most sensible music video of any song ever.
6. “Wynyard Hotel, the sign saying ‘restrooms maintained to highest standard’ doesn’t stop stale urine smell.”
7. As we all know, cardio fitness is improved through gin.
8. “Do not insert in ear canal” is sage advice.

Now what sort of impression of me does that give? And what will this week bring?

[Credit: Cartoon Twitter-bird courtesy of Hugh MacLeod. Like all of Hugh's cartoons published online, it's free to use.]

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• I came for the gin, I stayed for the social revolution (3 comments)
• Collateral Damage (0 comments)

[T]he common stereotypes are wrong: unsurprisingly, given that pornography users make up about a third of Australian adults, they are fairly representative of the broader population, with the major exception being that fewer than one in five of the respondents were women…

Detailed analysis of the most popular Australian DVD titles shows that, even with broad definitions, fewer than 2% of scenes have any kind of violence. The total ban on violence in the Australian X-rated category seems to have worked. Another finding was that “pornography does not really objectify women more than men… On some measures, men are the more active sexual subjects… on others, it’s the women.” The Internet is a lot more diverse, but despite extensive efforts the authors managed to find not a single site with actual rape photographs, and only a handful of sites with faked ones.

There is no evidence that pornography causes harm to its users: the studies that suggest this have involved pushing pornography on non-users in artificial laboratory experiments. In contrast, there has been almost no attempts to study the beneficial effects of pornography, even though consumers overwhelmingly report positive effects…

Part 2 of the book covers issues such as censorship, and notes:

“Protecting the children” has been a rallying call for censorship for a long time. It turns out that actual child pornography — the police prefer to call it “child abuse material” — is extremely hard to find. And evidence-based education has to be central to protecting children from harm, whether from cyberstalking or contact with material they will find disturbing.

Essential reading, I’d have thought, for anyone wanting to discuss censorship of the Internet, eh Senator Conroy?

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“I supposed at least he was honest,” said Duncan Riley when he passed on this story (pictured).

I’ll reproduce the text here so the search engines find it — which may or may not be a Good Thing. My website ends up in enough weird searches as it is.

Burglary

A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said that he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.

The story is supposedly from The Beacon Journal, Sunday 21 September 2003. If it’s a fake, someone’s gone to a lot of trouble.

Now, is this the weirdest crime story you’ve heard recently? Please, links to even weirder ones!

OK, that’s set the tone for the day…

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Jaded by the sight of what it deemed “run-of-the-mill” orifices, the nation’s pornography-saturated populace released a statement Monday demanding a new bodily opening to leer at. “At this point, staring at an anus, vagina, or beckoning mouth has become so commonplace that it is no more titillating than ogling, say, the human elbow.”

Read the whole article to discover what the populace demands in its new orifice, so to speak. Hat-tip to Boing Boing.

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I’ve just received a response to my post about Internet filtering and child pornography from Child Wise CEO Bernadette McMenamin. She raises some good questions — particularly why people in the Internet industry seem to react so angrily when there doesn’t seem to be any argument about child pornography and other exploitation being A Bad Thing.

Ms McMenamin has given permission for her response to be published. I’ve highlighted what I think are her most interesting questions. Answers appreciated. I’ll be drafting my own reply overnight.

Dear Stilgherrian,

I appreciate your comments and feedback. I also appreciate the respectful words that you say about me as yes I am trying to stamp out child sexual abuse and have dedicated my life to this cause for the last 25 years. I will do so until I die, which is hopefully not soon.

Clearly my ISP filtering article has stirred up much debate in the ISP world and I think that is good. Some emails to me from the ISP industry have been very educational for me but some have been downright rude. I just want to make my position clear. I only support ISP filtering of child pornography and other illegal content and not pornography and definitely not use this as a form of censorship of free speech.

I am a child protection specialist dealing with the aftermath of child sexual abuse on a daily basis. My motivation needs to be made clear. I am sure that the majority of people in the ISP industry are decent people and in retrospect my intention wasn’t to denigrate and insult people who care. There is no doubt that my opinion piece was emotive and if you could see what I see on a daily basis with people’s lives wrecked by the trauma of child sexual abuse I think that you and other members of the ISP industry may feel emotional about it as well. However in some ways I have stirred up healthy debate which will hopefully lead to a better outcome for children.

I am looking to you the ISP industry for the answers and to find and/or create the best use of filters to block child pornography. At least this will reduce some of the demand and some is better than none!

I am also a little perplexed about some of the feedback that I have been receiving about the uselessness of child pornography filtering. Now I am simply asking a question. If filtering of child pornography cannot work then why is there so much anger, fear and resentment to any attempt to block child pornography and other illegal sites? This is what I don’t understand.

Why not work on a filter that does only block out child pornography and if it doesn’t work then let’s stop any waste of money. All I am trying to do is to suggest an approach that may work.

It seems to be working (to an extent) in other countries i.e. Sweden, Denmark and UK. I am clearly not an IT expert so I will hand this over to you as the experts to find a way that is possible because I am sure you all agree that we should find ways to stop the sexual abuse of children in pornography which seems to be a growing and lucrative industry.

Kind regards,

Bernadette McMenamin AO
CEO
Child Wise

Comments please!

[Photo of Bernadette McMenamin from the National Australia Day Council. Ms McMenamin was a Victorian Australian of the Year finalist in 2004.]

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It is beyond belief that some representatives of the Australian internet service provider industry are reluctant to install filters that would prevent access to child pornography.

Surely any decent person would do all they can to protect children. However there exists a small but vocal group in Australia which is opposed to the federal Government’s proposal to introduce mandatory ISP filtering to block child pornography and other illegal content.

I must admit, I always start worrying when I see appeals to “decency”, because it usually flags that I’m about to see an appeal to Victorian middle-class “family values” and a distinct lack of logic. Nevertheless I’ve posted a comment thusly, which The Australian may or may not publish:

Bernadette McMenamin is obviously a hard-working and committed woman “fighting the good fight” against child pornography and other abuses of children. Excellent. If only there were more like her.

It’s a shame, however, that in her eagerness she’s fallen for Senator Conroy’s trap.

If his proposal was only about child pornography then it’d be a good thing. Indeed, if such magic devices as “filters that would prevent access to child pornography” existed I’d buy three. I’d also buy a perpetual motion machine and an elixir of youth while I was at it.

The fact that Ms McMenamin is willing to hand the government a comprehensive online censorship mechanism while chasing this chimera of a Magick Filter only shows how naive her understanding of the Internet is, and how her passion has clouded her understanding of the bigger picture.

To which I would now add, the very premise of your essay is faulty. The proposal is not about filtering illegal content. It’s about filtering material which is legal for adults to view but which is “inappropriate” (another Victorian-values word!) for children — and making adults register in some as-yet-to-be-defined process to view what it legal for them to view.

I’m also wondering… What proposal have you actually seen which makes you so confident that you want to support it? Or do you just respond in a knee-jerk reaction when someone does the “Won’t someone think of the children?” fallacious argument trick?

[Update: The Australian has published my comment online, without the last paragraph.]

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This isn’t original. Meg Tsiamis was there first. As she observed, people find one’s website through some astounding searches.

I’ve mentioned before that the most common search bringing people here is “steve irwin jokes” — something I find quite depressing. The Top 10 includes such gems as “gerbil sex”, “royal gay sex”, “glory hole” and “bestiality”. Classy eh?

But scroll down the list’s long tail, through 580 different keyphrases so far this month alone, and you’ll find actual questions. Here, then, are some of the answers. If you can expand upon them, please do!

how to sex a gerbil

Assuming [crosses fingers] you mean “How do I tell whether I need to dress my baby gerbil in blue or pink?”, I suggest you flip it over and look for genitals. If you arouse the gerbil first, this may be easier — though possibly illegal.

who is banksy

He’s the guy who created this street art. That post also has links to his official website and plenty of his work. Enjoy.

what meth looks like

Crystal methamphetamine usually comes in small, clear crystals, though it can be ground up into a white powder to hide the fact it’s been bulked out with something to increase profits. In other words, it looks exactly like 95% of the chemicals on the planet.

can macs get malware?

Yes, Macs can get malware. However at this time there’s far less malware for Macs than for Windows. This will doubtless change as Macs increase their market share.

how gerbils detect adrenaline in someone

By sniffing. Gerbils have a better sense of smell humans, and they can smell the adrenalin given off when we (or other animals) are stressed. Apparently it helps to train the gerbil and put it in a special apparatus.

who goes to hillsong

All sorts of people, including singer Pinky Beecroft and a teenage lesbian. Especially people who are “looking for something meaningful in their life” and will be easily parted from 10% of their money. I don’t know whether they take gerbils along, or even if they’re permitted.

why and how did john winston howard go into politics?

Why? Oh if only we knew, and had a time machine! How? The standard path through the high school debating team, university law school and the Young Liberals. Plus a lot of persistence. John Winston Howard is nothing if not hard-working and persistent.

However a more interesting question this week might be what he’ll do after he leaves politics — something which could happen quite soon. Any suggestions?

how to conduct a political poll

It depends whether you want to find out what people are actually thinking, or whether you want to gather “evidence” to support a specific argument.

If you’re after the truth, you’ll need to carefully word the questions so they don’t introduce bias, and carefully select your sample so that it’s representative — or engage in complicated statistical trickery to re-bias the sample afterwards. You’ll also need to interview around 1200 or more people so you can be 95% sure the answer is correct to plus or minus 2 percentage points. It’s best to hire a specialist to do all this, and it’s expensive.

If you want to support your theory, however, just ask a dozen people who you think will give you the answer you want. You’re bound to get enough right answers, and it’s a lot cheaper.

is abercrombie still relevant

No, probably not. Especially if you mean the American politician rather than the clothing brand. Then again, I’m hardly an expert.

how many people sing in the pussycat dolls band

That’s a trick question, right?

how many bad people does the citizenship test stop

None. It only stops people too stupid to learn the answers from the book they provide, or too poor to buy the answers on the black market.

is it ok to look at porn on the internet

Sure. Go for it. That’s why it was invented. Just be sure to clean up afterwards.

i want to see the sex kitten

That’s more of a statement than a question, but I can understand your desires. Here’s the neo-con sex kitten in all her glory.

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[T]he first serious threat to Mac users has been observed “in the wild”.

It’s a Trojan Horse, a piece of code that pretends to do one thing but actually compromises your computer.

This one spreads through online video sites…

That puts my son right in the middle of the vulnerable population because he likes to watch video clips via sites like YouTube and Flixster…

The Trojan sits behind an online video and when you try to play it you get a message from Quicktime telling you to get a new codec, and if you follow the link you’ll be sent to a site that hosts the malicious software.

Click “ok” and enter your systems administrator’s password and it will be installed on your computer with full system access after which you are, to use the jargon, “pwned”, or scuppered.

And you don’t even get to see the video you were after….

At the moment the fake codec is being spread via porn sites, but it will quickly spread to more mainstream sites, and that’s when it will get dangerous…

Here’s why this article is wrong…

1. This is not the first threat to Mac users. The worm OSX/Leap.A appeared in February 2006, and people seem to forget that before OS X there were 9 other versions of the Mac operating system which had viruses and worms. “Mac” and “OS X” are not the same thing. But, every single time malware appears, we get a story saying that it’s the first malware for the Mac.
2. YouTube and Flixter are unlikely to be risky. They re-encode all the videos people upload, which would remove any malware.
3. The lad who watches a lot of online video is less of a risk, not more. A regular user is more likely to notice when “something doesn’t look right”, more likely to have friends who know the risks. Occasional users are the real problem, because they don’t know what things are meant to look like and just click on “OK”.
4. Porn sites aren’t some tiny, weird market. Porn is “mainstream”. Maybe 70 percent of young men visit porn sites every month. But because we don’t talk about it — we pretend that porn and the sex industry generally is about “someone else” — affected users are less likely to own up to their web surfing habits. The infection will spread more effectively.

The article goes on to say we need education about online risks. Yes, we do. Those in the infosec arena have been saying this for years. So why don’t journalists like this chap from the BBC ever move beyond this first step and actually provide that real, accurate and useful information?

Thanks to Memex 1.1 for the pointer — though I still don’t know why you don’t allow comments.

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Ah, look at John Howard’s smug look now! Even though accused yesterday that his plan to combat Aboriginal child sexual abuse was racist, he’s on a roll. Taking porn from the naughty blackfellas is just the start. All bad parents will be punished. Not assisted, note, but punished.

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