It appears there is no need to whip the staff quite yet.
Ah yes, my Inevitable Wine has arrived. With an apology for it not being here to begin with.
Having my status recognised.
I am so happy with the continual display of intelligence in the Sydney CBD that there is no need to stab anyone.
Everything is wonderful.
@NewtonMark I saw in the @abcnews story that you’re a “technical engineer”, so you’re not the other kind. This is reassuring.
Starting to froth, just quietly.
When you don’t look things up on the internet for yourselves then baby Jesus starts to cry.
RT @mpesce: Do we need to ring the Poison Control Centre? [Only if I start frothing at the mouth and muttering unintelligiably.]
I think I’ve accidentally taken a triple dose of CBF this morning.
I sometimes wonder whether @daev is slowly becoming a Stepford Wife. And sometimes I just wonder.
@dobes @TheGlobalMail That’s right. And just as American students have boozey vacations in Cancun, Australian run wild in Palmerston.
@mpesce These “atomise individuals”, that’s done with a Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
@rycrozier The purpose is to sate the secret listener’s lust for power and control over every detail of their realm.
MT @TheGlobalMail: Is New Zealand becoming Australia’s Mexico? [What, a multi-bilion-dollar meth business and endemic drug murders? Sure.]
@rycrozier So you’re really saying a PR operative set up an illegal telephone intercept? That’s more than just “poor form”.
@feed_the_chooks I can’t say their names out loud. They might Manifest here. Right here. That would be a Bad Thing for everyone.
Newspaper opinion writters seem to be on far stronger drugs than I’ve ever been able obtain. They’re so screechy-paranoid about everything!
@SnarkyPlatypus If you’d have been at the pub too then you’d know how very, very wrong even the merest thought of that idea is.
@jonoabroad No. I’m not going to explain it. I’m going to sit and watch you fuck it up and I’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
There is evidence to suggest that I was at a pub last night.
Ah, I get it. Thursday.
OH: “Cessnock? It’s probably not your fault. It’s an accident of birth.”
RT @kofeyh: @stilgherrian sounds like a crappy app.
OH COME ON SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT. #baggy #derp
I just can’t wait until people’s colostomy bags start tweeting their fill level hourly through the kolost.my iPhone app.
RT @barrysaunders: @stilgherrian price is no object. [I am advised that when it comes to procuring children it never is.]
Putting my theory to the test.
There can’t possibly be any harm in having just one more beer.
RT @barrysaunders: I’ve spent all day []REDACTED]. I feel like a 12 year old. [I’ve no idea where to procure one at this hour sorry.]
RT @vociferousmadam: @stilgherrian Swedes can’t swear! [This can’t possibly be true, surely?]
OH, clean-shaven old bloke in the pub to fully-bearded old bloke: “There’s some Greek women with beards like that, mate.”
IKEA is self-satirising, @screelman.
RT @screelman: Can’t help you with Finnish, but could help you with Swedish cursing. That way you can offend people in IKEA! #lol
Clearly I must learn to swear in Finnish as well as Thai.
@mikko @juhasaarinen Swearing is fascinating. I must write up @ApostrophePong’s practical jokes in Thai with non-native speakers.
RT @SnarkyPlatypus: @stilgherrian Slut. [I beiieve the correct term is “audience development”.]
@juhasaarinen @mikko @w_nicht Thanks for Tosiaan and links. I’ll explore once I’ve explained why Telstra shouldn’t export our web logs.
Oh, sorry, there was a new fan at the pub and he introduced me to someone and drinks were bought.
@nphair Well @theprojecttv was phoning around late morning to find talent, but if they couldn’t get anyway the story can’t run.
@juhasaarinen @mikko Seriously, though, I found it fascinating that Finnish seems to be sideways from every other language on the planet.
@juhasaarinen @mikko Gentlemen, with the deepest respect, they are not actual words. They are the result of a long, long vodka session.
RT @leslienassar: What’s Black Caviar’s position on TPVs? [Small drawing, bottom right of every TVP card issued since 1 December.]
Why do I suspect that something unnatural is going on between the Prime Minister and @firstdogonmoon?
RT @chrisjrn: @stilgherrian I bet nobody ended up watching it :/ [Yeah well I wasn’t there, obviously, but they must be taught a lesson.]
So who ended up going on @theprojecttv tonight to talk about the Telstra mobile web tracking thing?
@mpesce Oh for sure, I come in VERY handy duri… I mean THEY become very handy during the holiday season. SEKRIT PLUM FAIRY SKILLZ.
Sure, if I had to choose the most appropriate tool for policy development in a modern complex democracy, I’d have chosen Twitter.
@mpesce I am but a humble plum fairy at the end of a long and stressful day. Plum fairies are, to tell the truth, rather useless.
So, a theme is developing here, isn’t it.
MT @GrahamPerrettMP: Julie Bishop was blocking Mal Washer’s passage … [No! No I can’t read any more of this tweet!]
That reminds me. I never wrote up the full comparative analysis of my #fisting with @Rove’s the following weekend.
RT @SnarkyPlatypus: Fisting as opposed to shafting, methinks. [Given my invention of Twitterfisting http://t.co/0nZ1yjnV yes of course.]
Fairfax now has a “digital first” strategy? Well, yes, I recommend some gentle finger work to relax us before the full shafting…
@garystark @_LeonieGSmith If you’re going to speak disparagingly of the caper then I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to step outside.
@lomantik Thank you. But I really just tweet the stuff that happens in my head. Well not all of it, obviously. @miss_shiny
@mikko @juhasaarinen Also, Australian experts would never develop a word that long. Too much effort.
Oh yeah. Google Translate. So, @mikko @juhasaarinen, what differentiates a hupputakkihakkeri from any other hoddie? The grim determination?
@mikko @juhasaarinen So, simply “hood-wearing hackers”? We did a tiny look at Finnish in my linguistics course, but that was before WWI.
RT @SnarkyPlatypus: @stilgherrian I assume anything north of the Arctic Circle is vodka slush. [If not, why not? Ping @mikko @juhasaarinen]
@bastardsheep Yeah. We all worried about nanobots doing the grey goo thing to the whole planet. Who knew it’d end up being the Grey @smeg?
I don’t actually know what #hupparihakkeri means but given @mikko and @juhasaarinen I assume it involves reindeer and too much vodka.
So it’s true, @mikko. Hackers wear hoodies. Or balaclavas. Or both. http://t.co/Zl7GV96r Or is it just #hupparihakkeri? /cc @juhasaarinen
RT: Me at @crikey_news: “‘It’s how we connect’: Telstra and the spy sites mystery” (No, I don’t either, but I’m tired.) http://t.co/Usdfylxi
@sirneggles I grew up on a dairy farm. I think I’ll be the judge of what to do with cows. stilgherrian.com/50-to-50/03/
RT @Rubenerd: Still no word about my phone data. Been almost 48 hours since I paid the bill! [Don’t worry. It’s in Chicago.]
Your fixation with haemorrhoids disturbs me, @miss_shiny.
Fuck the cows, I say.
@_LeonieGSmith It just arrived. It has a cheesey creamy sauce, and what look like chopped chives.
Yes, corned beef is an agreeable choice.
RT @Dr_Craig_Wright: @stilgherrian Come on…you make at least as much hot air as I do :) [Well yeah there is that…]
Antlers, what can’t they fix? instagr.am/p/MXs9wXCFqL/
So while you lot have just been sitting there contributing to global warming, I’ve showered and dressed and caught a cab into the village.
As the sun sets, it’s finally warm enough to take off my clothes and have a shower. Will I then have enough energy to go to dinner?
@BrigadierSlog Thank you. No need to rush, though, I don’t think I’d be able to get UK speakers sorted for this week’s episode.
@BrigadierSlog Oh my email address isn’t secret. It’s all over the shop. stil@stilgherrian.com does the trick. As do the spam filters.
@BrigadierSlog Well, my brain is too fuzzy to take all that in right now, but I’ve made a note to have a look tomorrow. Thanks.
@NanoPunk Yeah well NOW who’s the size queen, eh?
@BrigadierSlog Is there really anything new and different about the way that happened though? Wasn’t it just the same thing scaled up?
@NanoPunk @Prohairetic @BundyB @PointZeroOne I could really go one of those intergalactic grub things right now.
Clothing, @GreenJ? I always thought tha wast the Member for Mackellar’s natural outer derma?
@BrigadierSlog Is Natwest RBS still essentially the same IT management upfuckage as before, or is it a new and different kind of upfuckage?
@BrigadierSlog Ah yeah, sorry. There’s no “Patch Monday”podcast this week. I fucked up my planning. In hindsight I was quite the idiot.
RT @PointZeroOne: @stilgherrian do you know something we don’t? @Prohairetic @BundyB @NanoPunk [Quite likely, I imagine.]
Yes, @johnthelutheran, I’m sure I can work an e into there somewhere. It’s more efficient that way anyway. Sorry, what?
I have determined that it’s currently too cold in this building (“The Studio”) to have a shower. I’m now waiting for faster-vobrating atoms.
@BundyB @PointZeroOne Look you may mock @NanoPunk now, but in the future she will keep you all safe from the intergalactic worm things.
RT @kcarruthers: @stilgherrian do you remain unwashed & undressed whilst using ‘cyber’ twice? [Yes. Yes I do.]
Using “cyber” in a sentence. Twice. So it’s even better.
Me at @crikey_news: “‘It’s how we connect’: Telstra and the spy sites mystery” (No, I don’t either, but I’m tired.) http://t.co/Usdfylxi
Schrödinger’s email.
RT @BernardKeane Phillip “it” Ruddock now rises to claim vindication [You forgot the bit about gnawing on the flesh of infants.]
It’s 1500 and I still haven’t had that shower, but I’m going to open up that email anyway. We can all be unclean together on the internet.
I’m still not sure why Ms Rinehart is presenting in Question Time but I’m sure Twitter will make that clear as we go along. It usually does.
“Fairfax. I thought it was so bad I bought the company.” No wait.
Gina Rinehart attacked Earth Hour? Now that’s the kind of woman I could love. No, I’m not drawing a diagram.
Sod it. Addictive alkaloid stimulants before any of that.
RT @SnarkyPlatypus @stilgherrian Email requires cleanliness. [Depends on the email. And the recipients, surely?
@TelstraTim Yes, goldfish. Feral goldfish.
@TelstraTim I live by the motto about writing that’s at the top of my website.
The firewood has been dealt with. So shower then open email? Or email first?
I didn’t write that joke.
A collaborative effort has yielded clean things. And now I must, um, help with the firewood.
For my next trick, I shall make Banksia Cottage look a little less like I trashed it.
@TelstraTim Oh no, that’s quite OK. I don’t need Telstra “clearing up” my opinion as I’m writing. Here or Chicago. ;) I’ll shut up now.
@TelstraTim Thanks. Any poor analysis can now be deflected with a “just as this story was being filed…” ;) I wouldn’t want your job today.
@TelstraTim Thanks, Tim. Do you know roughly when that was posted? Just so I correctly word the tag I’m about to add to the story.
Story filed for @crikey_news. Meanwhile, I turned down @theprojecttv because I have another thing to write and can’t get into Sydney today.
I suppose unshaven, unwashed, wrapped in a blanket, is right and proper for writing about Telstra tracking and exporting web usage data.
RT @SnarkyPlatypus: @stilgherrian You need more coke and hookers. [THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING WHY IS THIS NOT HAPPENING ALREADY?]
In a cottage in a forest, unshaven for days, unwashed, wrapping myself in a blanket to start writing. Journalism, the glamour profession!
@SnarkyPlatypus It’s 4.9C here at @bunjaree, the eucalypt scrub suffused with fog. Much like this photo from last time. http://t.co/AHqqvLbL
Wed plan: Write for @crikey_news; bump out Banksia Cottage; plan Sydney vs Blue Mountains schedule; shopping; write blog post; stay warm.
@SnarkyPlatypus Bonjour. Le monde est encore dans le chaos, mais comme bien de la crème fouettée il devrait commencer à raidir aujourd’hui.
I’ll also confirm that there won’t be a “Patch Monday” podcast at all this week. I’m thinking civilisation might just be able to survive.
Before I plan the day I’m writing a thing, to myself mostly, explaining how both “Patch Monday” and my @CSO_Australia article went bad.
It’s two hours until sunrise. Hello, Wednesday.
@SnarkyPlatypus Oui, je suis rapidement arrivé à cette conclusion.
@SnarkyPlatypus Bonjour. Je trouve qu’il est très difficile de sortir du lit. Et vous?
So, Tuesday, is this how it’s going to be?
Banksia Cottage attained. Collapse imminent.
Not at all stabby.
Oink.
All that clever research reduced to a single out-of-context factoid that marketers can stick in their presentation. Sigh.
@maxcelcat Oh, that. I’d assumed that vanished long ago, to be replaced by some sensible sort of spam controls. Sigh. As you were.
Feeling better about my embarrassing mistake, a mere oversight, now that I’ve seen an embarrassing lack of industry knowledge.
@BobGrrl I beieve you’ve just proven my point. @GeordieGuy
@maxcelcat I don’t understand. If they don’t tweet, why does it matter if you follow them or not? Then if they do start, you’ll see them.
Please stop confusing people with facts.
Well, only in sufficient quantities.
Obviously.
Maybe a nice @firstdogonmoon cartoon will cheer me up. http://t.co/A8HcU5PK Oh.
@jturner_ibrs @GeordieGuy I think it’s fairly safe to say that I haven’t lived full stop.
@vanderaj Do not discount the power of dropbear dung.
@iain_chalmers Yeah. Long live the Memory Hole.
RT @GeordieGuy: @stilgherrian who uses default ringtones? [People waste their lives thinking about choosing ringtones?]
Dear Samsung, could at least SOME of the Galaxy S III’s ringtones sound like a phone, not a yoga teacher beaming in from Planet Dolphin?
1. I am an idiot. 2. I have emailed off a fix. 3. I have just opened a beer.
Oh! Dropbox had a MAJOR failure early June? http://t.co/JoKDAxQM Yes, great example. I’ll use that. Saw “6 June”, didn’t notice “2011”. Poo.
“That’s interesting,” I thought. “Have there been incidents?” I went looking. Mitt Romney’s Dropbox hacked? http://t.co/cMJpwHuL Nah…
So, last week there was a security “webinar” warning about using things like Dropbox, and also some IBM people talked to us about it…
@Dr_Craig_Wright @CSO_Australia @damncabbage @CSO_Australia @EnexTestLab @justkyp @roulla @profsarahj @iain_chalmers So, here’s the story…
@GreenJ At this stage I don’t care if the pig can’t fly. Just being able to stagger down the hallway and puke in the bathroom would be win.
Emailing the pig.
Sow’s ear, meet silk purse.
Making urgent telephone calls.
How the fuck did I not notice that in choosing Dropbox security examples, I picked the wrong one to use? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
So, the @CSO_Australia thing I wrote that I linked to is based on an incident a year ago, not a week ago. Ta, @damncabbage @iain_chalmers
There is a reason that writers need good, informed editors, and I have just provided a classic example. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Uhoh.
Now… what was I doing…? Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. Me at @CSO_Australia: “Prepare yourself for more Dropbox-like security disasters”. http://t.co/53H03dkC
Making damn sure it doesn’t end well.
This will not end well.
Encoding my replies.
Decoding the messages.
The carbon tax seems to have screwed up PC sales too. http://t.co/lyntsLTR
It was easy enough to produce the “Patch Monday” podcast before we had a carbon tax.
Facing the ugly reality of it all.
Pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt pfzzt BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG crash oh.
It’s like all my ideas are V-1s, and I haven’t realised that they’ve invented radar-controlled anti-aircraft guns.
Pausing to reconsider.
Something about sausages and the media.
@perissology @ReachOut_AUS (Right now it’s got to be a topic that I mostly have my head around and can prep fast for a 1-person interview.)
@perissology @ReachOut_AUS It’s rather a good idea, actually, and noted to follow up, thank you. I couldn’t get my head around it today tho.
That whole 29 minutes of quietly sobbing plan is starting to look like the best bet at this stage.
Dear Hat, if there is still a Rabbit down in there somewhere, could you just move it up a bit so I can reach it and pull it out?
That moment when you realise your plans were fatally flawed from the very beginning, and you wish you’d realised it at the time.
So I’m up to Step 4 in the previously-announced order of play, and all three podcast ideas have crashed and burned in front of me.
Stressed, annoyed and disgruntled, all at once. At least Churchill got to bomb Dresden.
@fivewalls @beneltham @dannolan If you prefer to read off paper, fine, but FFS you lose your “content” if your house burns. Have backups?
@fivewalls @beneltham @dannolan Sorry, WTF does ANY of that bleating have to do with the quality of the news or novel you’re reading?
@beneltham @dannolan I once wrote a thing about the paper fetish, in the context of books and bleating novelists. http://t.co/dxSKnMQE
Every writer who conflates “journalism” with “newspapers”, the process with the factory and distribution mechanism, should be slapped HARD.
So have people notcied how @BernardKeane’s drugs have kicked in?
So, you lawyer types who follow me, any of you are or know someone good with workplace privacy and surveillance law?
@matt_levinson @piawaugh Yes I am glad you put the word ‘secret’ in scare-quotes because otherwise I would have to kill your entire family.
Jesus, almost use a sachet of decaffeinated coffee by mistake. Why do hotels even do that?
Step 2 begins.
No, I’m not talking about anyone’s damn products ever again. Unless you say that everything is cool and awesome their heads explode.
Did I just see a commercial Twitter promotion that was, essentially, “Feeling down on Monday? Buy more stuff!”? Yes, yes I did.
Hint to politicians regarding the asylum seeker thing: the issue is NOT about your re-election chances but being human. Try to imagine that!
Why did I ever agree to do a podcast that had the word “Monday” in the title? Was I drunk?
I am noting all your suggestions. The order of play will be: 1. this coffee; 2. long hot shower; 3. read news over breakfast; 4. production.
“A good start”?
BTW, it’s like this every day for producers of live talk radio. We’re on in three hours and have no idea what we’re doing… Two hours…
@sylmobile @bleeters @R_Chirgwin Patent battles? That would require talking to lawyers. On a Monday. I get to charge extra for that, right?
Or maybe an episode that’s just 29 minutes of the sound of me quietly sobbing, with traffic heard in the background.
Would it be acceptable to do a podcast that’s just reading out your tweets about football and Egypt? Oh no, that’s right, that’s television.
So I’m doing “Patch Monday” podcast from scratch today and I don’t even have a topic. Should have set an alarm. OK, getting out of bed now.
RT @clutterbells RT @Gizmodo Why Spotify didn’t exist in the ’80’s. Hilarious. gizmo.do/gt3w
Monday? But why? Surely there’s another way?
R_Chirgwin Son’s bad pun: “They should replace Death’s scythe with a vacuum cleaner.” Me: “Huh?” Him: “Then you could be Dyson with Death”.
@TV_Rev @TV_Rev Again, thanks. As I say, it’s mostly just tribalism, plus the IT industry’s limited worldview.
@TV_Rev Thanks. And it generated more angry comments and complaints if bias than any previous episode too. Tribalist fuckwits FTL.
Since the last two weeks of “Patch Monday” have worked well when organised on the day of posting, I’ll do it a third time to prove the rule.
Previously-mentioned thing obtained and consumed.
Seeking the previously-mentioned thing, which I know can be found nearby.
Still no inspiration for podcast topics. I think I might have to resort to an Inspirational Laksa.