The 9pm Celebrity Superstar Experience on the River Kwai with Mark Humphries

Mark Humphries is lost in the foyer of the ABC’s headquarters in Ultimo, Sydney, becoming easy prey for the ever more aggressive B1 and B2 (not shown). (Photo: Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

The winter series of The 9pm Edict continues with another very special guest, satirist Mark Humphries. We met up on Bastille Day. We retreated to an upstairs bar. This delightfully rambling conversation was the result. 

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Bisexual snail orgy

Photograph of snails

I was shocked. Early this morning every single agapanthus plant in our back yard was covered in snails. They’d climbed up onto the leaves — and they were having sex.

Hundreds and hundreds of snails engaged in a filthy hermaphroditic bisexual snail orgy!

I raced inside to get a camera. I couldn’t find The Good Camera quickly enough, so I grabbed my phone.

But the forecast is for a 34C maximum today — in October! The sun was rising, and so was the temperature. The snails were retreating.

I only had time to grab a quick, blurry image of this pair (pictured), going their separate ways after a morning of debauchery. Sluts.