This is the log of my Twitterstream from the keynote sessions at Microsoft’s TechEd Australia 2012 conference last year. Why? Because on the basis of these tweets, Microsoft has banned me from TechEd Australia 2013.
I’ve highlighted in bold the tweets which I think were most, erm, problematic. I’ve also fixed minor spelling mistakes. To provide more context, I’ve also uploaded a CSV file containing all of my tweets for September 2012.
We pick up my Twitterstream as I settle into the arena at the Gold Coast Convention Centre.
In one of the arenas. No 3G data. No IP address obtainable on event Wi-Fi. Disgruntled. #auteched
I’ve got an IPv6 address but nothing is reachable. Sigh. #auteched
Now a geek is on stage and he said “Woo!” and “Make some noise!” Kill me now. #auteched
Absorbing the Vision #auteched http://t.co/7LDWKIHP
It begins… #auteched http://t.co/x9Vb2vok
Oh FFS! #auteched http://t.co/iLcrcEmq
People who occupy the seats in the dedicated power recharge zone but who do not need the power. #IceMoonPrison #auteched
Tweets and Instagrams are running late and out of timetable order. #auteched
OK, I have Wi-Fi. But the power strip in the seat is full of lies and no electricity. #auteched
“People-centric computing”, “Cloud OS”, “pain points”, “deliver”, “deepest and broadest release ever”. Windows Server 2012 is out. #auteched
“Revolutionary”! *drink #auteched
“I don’t see any workloads known to man that cannot be ported to the Microsoft platform at this point,” says a bloke in the video. #auteched
The word, Sir, is “resilience”, not “resiliency”. Even in Queensland. #auteched
That’s not the first time he’s said “cloud scale”. That’s even bigger than “web scale”, right? #auteched
“Make sure you have this on your resume if you want to have a long career in IT,” he says, scaring the workerdroids no end. #auteched
@Froosh Spotted. Three rows back, three slots to the right, black t-shirt. Thanks, but I’m good for now.
The only thing that has happened so far is lot of extended shouty self-praise for Windows Server 20012 just how good is it really. #auteched
BUT HOW MANY PARSECS DOES IT DO? #auteched
“Cloud OS: Transforms the datacentre.” #auteched
“I want to manage my clusters completely hands-off,” he said, and NO-ONE LAUGHED WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. #auteched
MOAR TELEVISION COMMERCIAL. #auteched
“High-quality enterprise-grade platform for business-critical processes!” All of it! All at once! HOW GOOD IS THAT. #auteched
“When we think about modern apps we think about cloud scale… It needs to be hybrid and extensible.” [deep breath, deep breath] #auteched
Is there some sort of #auteched hashtag apartheid, where the event is not the event but another event? Goodness.
Ah, those in the developer ghetto are meant to be using #aumsdn and not whinging about the overall event hashtag #auteched. RTFM FFS.
ANOTHER CUSTOMER VIDEO ABOUT BEING SUCCESSFUL WITH MODERN APPS I AM SO HAPPY BUT IS IT CLOUD SCALE THAT IS THE IMPORTANT THING. #auteched
“Cloud OS: Empowers people-centric IT. Don’t call it consumerisation of IT, because that’s about the device not people. Uhuh. #auteched
General UI question: Who decided car fuel gauges was the best way to display performance data? ‘Cos it strikes me that it’s not. #auteched
THE WORD IS “RESILIENCE” NOT “RESILIENCY” WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. #auteched
No, I’m not yelling at the stage, @PointZeroOne. I’m in the stalls, sulking, slowly drifting towards actual tears. #auteched
Um, virtualised IP using GRE isn’t anything new, surely? Oh look! RFC 1701, dated October 1994. http://t.co/FWeDqDgX #auteched
I stand corrected, @lucasng. “Resiliency” seems to be a variation used in this sociolect. http://t.co/nfTSSZ7q @PointZeroOne #auteched
Extended commercial for Windows Server 2012 ends. Next up, a keynote from Jason Silva. http://t.co/5j49Tl70 #auteched
If I’m meant to be in some media area rather than mixed in with the proles can someone please tell me where that is thank you. #auteched
Absorbing all the concepts #auteched http://t.co/h9vpgYhM
@PointZeroOne I don’t characterise regional variations or sociolects as “butchering”. It’s clear “resiliency” is a thing in this tribe.
No-one. Killed. Yet. #auteched
It’s gone dark. #auteched
Uhoh #auteched http://t.co/5zR2Nw4C
This Jason Silva guy? I’m afraid that I already want to punch him in the face very, very hard. #auteched
Oh. He’s quoting Tom Robbins. So that’s OK then. And Terence McKenna. [deep breath, deep breath] #auteched
And now, a short film by Mr Silva about Radical Openness. #auteched
Namechecks so far: James Gleick, Richard Dawkins, Ray Kurzweil, Terence McKenna, Van Gogh, Beethoven, Freeman Dyson, Neitsche. #auteched
Yeah maybe cut back on the amphetamines, Jason. #auteched
RT @glengyron: Oh wow. That guy has every clever teenage drug users library from the early 1990s. [Indeed. #auteched]
RT @trib: Oh, his site declares him to be an “epiphany addict”. #sharkjumper #auteched [I don’t normally say “THIS!”, but… THIS!]
Sorry, folks, but being CONTINUALLY AMAZED BY ALL THE THINGS is not insightful or wisdom, it’s a mental illness. #auteched
Oh of course some tosser up the back shouted “Woo!” #auteched
Singularity. #drink #auteched
@BundyB #blinks #auteched
RT @voiceofapollo: #auteched Hey dude, this is all style and no content. [Exactly this too. Sigh.]
The feeling that I am feeling right this very moment is the reason why you should not hand me a gun today. #auteched
For those not in the room, watch “To Understand is to Perceive Patterns” by Jason Silva on YouTube and you’ll understand. #auteched
Even better, here it is on Vimeo. http://t.co/4kS4w1Pm #auteched
NO DO NOT APPLAUD HIM HE IS A CHARLATAN. #auteched
RT @tikiroa: They should have sent us to sea world instead of making us watch this crazy mess #auteched [YES!]
“The Hubble Telescope has given us an ontological awakening!” #auteched
RT @jdub: @ssharwood @Stilgherrian They wanted something that represented their brand, and it sounds like they nailed it. #auteched
RT @BI_Monkey: l was hoping for free space cookies, but it looks like the keynote speaker ate them all #auteched
@drunkenmadman Real quote.
Oh dear. A “performance artist”. #auteched
OK, so he’s somehow “controlling” the music with a Kinect. Maybe two variables out of 20 over a canned backing. #auteched
RT @ssharwood: Changing the world isn’t their job description. Changing server configurations is, mostly, IMHO. #auteched
Did no-one around a meeting room table somewhere stop and ask “Why would we want to do this?” #auteched
Wait. That was all just Act One? WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!11!!! #auteched
The Haunting #auteched http://t.co/s1s75gLc
Oh no. Prizes of helicopter rides for certain kinds of tweets on the #auteched hashtag.
I think I want to cry.
[Photo: The TechEd Australia 2012 keynote stage.]