John Winston Howard, DJ

Photograph of newspaper images of John Howard, modified to add hand-drawn headphones to make him look like a DJ

This image is a work of genius, I think. Sure, the Daily Telegraph started it with a set of three fine photos of John Howard. But the modifications by our unknown pen-wielding humourist are simply superb.

This was passed to me via too many links to track down the source. So if anyone knows the creator of this piece, please tell me so I can give proper credit.

Yes, the photo has the C-word in it. Grow up, we’ve all heard it before…

The Inaugural Paul Neil Milne Johnstone Award goes to…

Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, it is my very great pleasure tonight to announce the recipient of the Inaugural Paul Neil Milne Johnstone Award for Language Mutilation.

Photo of real estate sign reading: Well appointed medium size studio apartment Situated in a quiet enclave in Enmore. This studio apartment offers a new canvass awning over the balcony, Chardonnay cool with a south-easterly view over terra cotta rooftops. Lounge and meals area, good size kitchen & bathroom

This award is named in honour of the late Paul Johnstone of Redbridge in England, who was cited by author Douglas Adams as writing the worst poetry in the entire universe. This award isn’t about poetry, however. It’s about Language. Language — and especially the abuse of language — in all its glory.

Of the many things which make us human, Language is one of the most important. Language binds our society together. Language, some even say, is what allows us to think rational thoughts.

Photograph of Claudia Mendez

So when people use Language badly, when Language is abused in order to mislead, to corrupt, to baffle or to sell a product, we shouldn’t ignore it. We should stand it on a pedestal, call up the author, point to them and say in a loud voice, “This person is destroying the very meaning of humanity.”

With this in mind, I’ve chosen as the recipient of the Inaugural Paul Neil Milne Johnstone Award a representative of a profession — if I may call it that — which is renown the world over for misleading language, namely, a real estate agent.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please put your hands together for Claudia Mendez (pictured right), of Laing+Simmons, Newtown.

Now as Claudia is making her way to the stage, I’d like to say a few words about my choice, and take a look at her work…

Continue reading “The Inaugural Paul Neil Milne Johnstone Award goes to…”

Two Favourite Satires

OK, it’s been ages since I posted something, so to remind everyone that I still exist, here’s two of my current favourite satires.

Panexa: Wonder Drug

Thanks to New Scientist magazine for news of this “important new wonder-drug”:

PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients experiencing one of the following disorders: metabolism, binocular vision, digestion (solid and liquid), circulation, menstruation, cognition, osculation, extremes of emotion.

Dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO)

The Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Division (DMRD) of Newark, Delaware warns us of “the controversy surrounding this dangerous chemical”.

DHMO is a constituent of many known toxic substances, diseases and disease-causing agents, environmental hazards and can even be lethal to humans in quantities as small as a thimbleful…

Despite the known dangers of DHMO, it continues to be used daily by industry, government, and even in private homes across the U.S. and worldwide.