I’ve finally found the text for the famous “Real Estate” speech by Fred Dagg, aka John Clarke. Lifted from Eric Lindsay’s blog, where it was shameless plagiarised…
Gidday.
Now the Fred Dagg Careers Advice Bureau has already done more than enough to secure its place in the social history of this once great nation, but I think this report is probably amongst its more lasting achievements.
In essence it outlines how to go about the business of being a real estate agent, and as things stand at the moment if you’re not a real estate agent, then you’re probably being a fool to yourself and a burden to others.
Like so many other jobs in this wonderful society of ours, the basic function of the real estate agent is to increase the price of the article without actually producing anything, and as a result it has a lot to do with communication, terminology, and calling a spade a delightfully bucolic colonial winner facing north and offering a unique opportunity to the handyman.
If you’re going to enter the real estate field you’ll need to acquire a certain physical appearance which I won’t bore you with here, but if you’ve got gold teeth and laugh-lines around your pockets, then you’re through to the semis without dropping a set.
But the main thing to master, of course, is the vernacular, and basically this works as follows:
There are three types of houses:
- Glorious commanding split-level ultra-modern dream homes, which are built on cliff faces;
- Private bush-clad inglenooks, which are built down holes;
- and very affordable solid family houses in much sought after streets, which are old gun-emplacements with awnings.
A cottage is a caravan with the wheels taken off.
A panoramic, breathtaking, or magnificent view is an indication that the house has windows, and if the view is unique, there’s probably only one window.
I have here the perfect advertisement for a house, so we’ll go through it and I’ll point out some of the more interesting features, so here we go, mind the step.
‘Owner transferred reluctantly instructs us to sell’ means the house is for sale.
‘Genuine reason for selling’ means the house is for sale.
‘Rarely can we offer’ means the house is for sale.
‘Superbly presented delightful charmer’ doesn’t mean anything really, but it’s probably still for sale.
‘Most attractive immaculate home of character in prime dress-circle position’ means that the thing that’s for sale is a house.
‘Unusual design with interesting and solidly built stairs’ means that the stairs are in the wrong place.
‘Huge spacious generous lounge commands this well serviced executive residence’ means the rest of the house is a rabbit-warren with rooms like cupboards.
‘Magnificent well-proportioned large convenient block with exquisite garden’ means there’s no view, but one of the trees had a flower on it the day we were up there.
‘Privacy, taste, charm, space, freedom, quiet, away from it all location in much sought-after cul-de-sac situation’ means that it’s not only built down a hole, it’s built at the very far end of the hole.
‘A must for all you artists, sculptors and potters’ means that only a lunatic would consider living in it.
‘2/3 bedrooms with possible in-law accommodation’ means it’s got two bedrooms and a tool shed.
‘Great buy, ring early for this one, inspection a must, priced to sell, new listing, see this one now, all offers considered, good value, be quick, inspection by appointment, view today, this one can’t last, sole agents, today’s best buy’ means the house is for sale, and if ever you see ‘investment opportunity’ turn away very quickly and have a go at the crossword.
I remember driving in the car with my father when this sparkling gem of Kiwi wit (John Clarke is as Australian as those other famous Australians, like Split Enz, The Farriss brothers, Mel Gibson, Olivia Newton-John, AC/DC, Jimmy Barnes etc). My father had to pull over he was laughing so hard.